bye.

what's with the change and distance?

no answer needed.

bye.

A.

choices

everyday u are obligated to make a choice. to choose between an orange and an apple. to decide whether to wear black or grey. to take federal or duke.

we are born and designed to finalize our next steps - choices, and to own up to it. taking full responsibility of own decision, regardless whether they're stupid or most healf of the time, half-bright, half-baked choices. we had our parents to hold our hands to get tpo the other side of the road. we had our sister dressing us up before we go out to One Utama when we were 10. we had our vigilant brother who oversees our behaviour infront of the relatives. all in all, we were helped cum forcedfully to accept their choices.

the choices that i made to my life has been rather controversial and appaling to certain parties. owning up to it takes half of my day, ontop with the taxing "should i, should i not" time spent.

i drink. i avoid breakfast. i smoke. i dance. i sing. i pray. i puff few mary j. i shop. i switch jobs. i drive recklessly. i dig tennis. i dig paintball more. i havent' been in a relationship for the longest and decide to stay this way. i have secrets.

but so far i am blessed. with all the choices i made, i have my family and friends who support me regardless how ridiculous they are. mum is (halfly) accomodating to my choices. dad is indenial. as for my sister, she accepts my choices as they are. she knows me, better than anyone else in this world. she is my everyday, my good and bad, my friend.

everyday when i pass the muslim cemetery ground in bukit kiara, some of the choices i made back in '95 regret me. the person who is a father to me is lying peacefully in said ground. he was there with me all the time. i regretted for not making the choice to lie next to him when he was sick in ipoh. i regretted for not holding his hands due to grossed out of his thin and frail hands. most of all, i regretted for not saying how much i loved him. not a day goes by, i feel ease when i think of his last days.

everyday, i wanted to tell him how grown-up i've become. setiap hari. if only i get to choose to go go back to the past.

"atok, aref dapat 4a for upsr. atok, aref dah ade lesen. atok, aref accident, baba bising. atok, selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin, halal makan minum aref. atok, mama baba gadoh besar. atok aref fly next week, datang lah mama buat kenduri! atok, aref dah grad, atok, aref dah ade kete. atok, aref dah quit naga. atok, baba dah tahu aref hisap rokok ... atok, khaleeda punya birthday next week, datang k!"

A.

i'll be back

since i'm in europe, i won't be back home too soon. i'm travelling to another foreign land.

naga, please be there for me, when i get back. i miss you guys much.


A.

A New Beginning

JWT Kuala Lumpur's High Five Campaign Poster - "Malaysia's Softest Bread"

This particular ad caught my attention at last year's Kancil Awards.

Little that i knew from that very night, i'd be joinning the team this time of the year.



This ain't a continuation of my career path, but, a new beginning.

Challenged,

A.

Last Request

Once upon a time, when there were no politics, no split-ups, no mixed signals, no ef ups, no pretentious silhouettes as everything was bare and real, no bleeping ulterior motives - everything was sailing smoothly. Everything was perfect. When friends were friends. When friends ain't obliged to pick a side. When we laughed like everyday was the last day. When we congratulated others for mediocrity without cycnism and questions. Everyone was everyone's sisters and brothers. Everybody managed to put a hat, had a cake and simply feel nothing but love and care for each other.

During those happy days of my life, a friend of mine, dedicated this song to me - Last Request by the amazing Paolo Nutini.

...

Hope that i would be able to listen to this song again, with a smile on my face like i used to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffJ8xcfqOX0

Down but not out,

A.

4 Days

I've been bumming for a month and a week now.

It is quite funny on how life post-Naga turned out to be. I went to join a radio network company with much enthuse and high expectation to having found nothing interesting and compelling enoguh to stay - and so i left the next following 4 days. Expected dissapointments came from various parties, including yours truly, on the unprecedented event. Being 24, i laughed at most of the part. But being a person whose a year away from quarter life crisis, the feeling of uncertainty shivers me a little. No job, no money, and plenty of bills to pay.

I am quite lucky to have a family that comprehends my action, especially my mum. My dad wasn't keen of my bold decision, but he knew from the start that i don't fit to join the said radio company due to the culture. Adding to Khalid's view, i just thought the jobscope didn't fit me.

It was my fault for accepting the job at the first place, but in my defense, i wanted only to try .. kan? Isn't that what youngsters do these days? Are we still allow to experiment these days in such age?

Contemplation

I thought by leaving my nest of 2 years to an unknown place would excite me. And i thought leaving the ad game would venture me to other interesting games to play. And i even thought that we are allowed to experiment when we are younger. Based from the mentioned stimuli, i encouraged myself to leave Naga. To do it. To actually risk it.

Was it worth it leaving advertising for another industry? ... I guess it was at a certain point.

Why? ... I never realized that advertising and Naga were right for me before ... but they are! No doubt that advertising takes away 18 hours of your day which was why 80% of the professionals left the industry. But the satisfaction of producing a campaign, days and days of brainstorming sessions with planners and creative, producing proposals, internal reviews, client approving ideas, shoots, resenting the trials and errors etc. - GOSH, that what made it great. We are addicted to producing ad campaigns and even addicted to the the pain! Gila ke?! - Ad people are the most passionate compared to other professionals. They love or love-hate their jobs to the point of being irrelevant. Irrelevant to having lunch at 6 pm, irrelevant to tea time with friends, irrelevant to forget your cousin's birthday AND ... irrelevant to even go home and sleep! We are a neurotic bunch and there are no pseudo players to attach the statement with. Ad people are the craziest bunch - the kegilaan keeps the job looking sane and solid - what a paradox liner kan.

Sigh... omfg, what have i put myself into? Advertising, me. Me, advertising. A job that'll kill you. (okaylah that one abit exaggerating lah). But at least it's a sweet death. Death out of contentment. Like sugar, u love it, but it'll kill you. But you keep sucking em anyway.

All these while they were right down my nose - "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone" .. Haha! (Wai Fun, i know u r going to say "Told you so!". I deserve it. Tapi at least, now i know what i like and do not like :P) Funny how life turns out to be. One minute you got your binocular and map to cross the unknown lands, and the next minute (or 4 days), u have known where you are suppose to be and all these while.

Lads and blokes, i'm joinning back the ad game.

PS: In the future, if you hear me bitching about work, client, internal stuffs, FAs to rush, stupid media agencies and etc... these are normal rants. They do no harm. Can't exactly love love the job totally, as there will be the few excess baggage which tags along with the job - that's another topic.

A.

w/c 30 March '09

1. went for a second interview with a radio network company. tough judges to please.

2. in the midst of collating slash organising my handover notes.

3. called S who is in perth for updates.

4. went to Een's office and met her loud and simply loud colleagues. entertaining.

5. work.

6. had a fight with my sister.

7. loving my niece and taught her few new words.

8. settled my monthly bills and am only left with few to last me until end of the month.

9. figuring where to have my b'day dinner this year. no more surprises dudes and dudettes.

10. watched o'hair and woods battling it out with mr. khalid.

11. ate few oat cookies baked by mrs. khalid.

12. shot by client at a recent meeting. defended the fort tooth and nails, yet found defeat.

13. contemplating to go to gym.

14. didn't go to gym.

15. read about selangor's history. joy.

16. impressed by this year's AF. these kids can sing.

17. caught a glimpse of OIAM. these kids can sing.

18. did my laundry. sent to the laundry lady in ss3. malas to diy.

19. binge on toast and cheese now and then before going off to bed.

20. contemplating of keeping my hair this time.

21. contemplating of a solo perhentian trip end of this month.

22. had brunch with a friend and her significant other. syaitans.




menarik huh?

A.

don't whine. just do it.

i had a nice job.

i had the best boss in the world.

my pay is exceptionally high compared to other 24 year olds.

yet i'm leaving.

i'm leaving my nest for two years.

i have been raving on exploring the unknown, yet why am i still unhappy?

fuck A.

why?

8 weeks

anticipating, A.

oh kawanku

to my beloved friend,

hope you don't mind me blogging on u.

sorry to hear that ur bf broke up with u in the wee hours.

glad to hear that u both reconcilled 2 hours later.

the arguing is constant. it taxes u. it factors u to jump to conclusion. a tear or two would probably drop along the way.

to my beloved friend,

i'm glad u didn't succumb to the alternative.

u r not in a love-hate relationship as u would likely to believe in one.

u fought ur way through. u made the effort. heck, u believed in the constituency ans sanctity of marriage when u met the knight.

to my beloved friend,

i'm proud of u.

A.

are we human?

if u feel like having an ice-cream, visit your nearest Shell kiosk and grab a Cornetto.

if u feel like having a cigarette, light one.

if u feel like having sex, but your partner ain't present, improvise then.

if u feel like honking the car before u, do so.

if u feel like swimming with the sharks, get insured.

if u feel like quitting ur job, quit?

if only ..

player

this what happens when you are all alone. not in a relationship, always someone's plus one, constantly someone's booty call / last resort, u tend to think. alot. and you tend to question. alot. questioning again ...

last week, despite of my time and days at work, i managed to squeeze a minute or two to question .. why are you still alone?

as always, i attempted to answer.

have u realized, most of the most sharp-tongued and smartest pundits was neither a football player, nor an owner of a football club? have u realized, andre von talle and anna wintour who embraces waffer thin and voluptious models look neither the part, nor wishes to become one. have u realized malaysia's most renowned political analyst was never a politician.

then i realized, these are just a bunch of observers. they never act on their passion. am i only a judge? is there an unspoken rule out there which states, those who judge shall not play?

not to boast (maybe a bit lah), friends come to me for advice. relationship advice. i was never in a relationship that lasted longer than Nizar's reign as the Perak MB. but why do people come to me for something which i am myself is neither vague or foreign to? friendship wise? or was i really that good on the aforesaid? (question lagi)

then it hits me. what me, the football pundits, the fashion editors and political analyst have in common ... we are scared to play, due to the judgment part. Just imagine, a pious Father who preaches on bible, slipped an act as oppose to his last week's sermon. A gymnast coach who couldn't perform a decent 9.0 on the monkey bar. Again, we are scared to be judged. Judged by a bunch of pros, which could either make us or break us. As we know we are only all talk and pause on the walking.

But one thing that i respect these individuals, alt least they picked a side. Confirmed on their righteous role.

here's a confession i have to make, i am scared. observing others is one thing, but ticking their good and bad in their relationship on a piece of white paper, made me realise how sad i can be. fucking sad.




...



ladies and gents, i'm training myself to play.

A.

to god, i thank u

it finally paid off.

22 months of laboring, breaking down, eating shits, swimming in shits, cursing and much laboring, i have stoop to another level.

alhamdulillah.

and now to more of the aforesaid.

questions .. again

i've been frequenting all the things which i have been missing for the last 23 years of my life .. getting out of your comfort zone. venturing into the unknown. friends to the unfamiliar ones. binge on foreign thoughts of risking life to the uncertain.

when you are raised in a suburban area, where the neighbours i.e. the elderlies, talk and the children gossip, an insecure conformist i.e. yours truly, would just shy way from acting on any, ANY single thing that may be construde as misdemeaning or just plain stupid. no doubt u'll get judged. no doubt that these bias stands of jury will pass remarks and thoughts on you, and no doubt that you will be less to their liking, but again .. why and what are we so afraid of?

reputation into the bin? less votes for those who is running for president? zero attendance to your 19th birthday? silent congratulatories to your curricular achievements? ...

what are we so afraid of?

people talk, we can never change that. everyone judges, no denying to that. and we only live one life, as you readers too.

despite of all the fuck-ups and questions that occur in our everyday life which is constantly on the waiting list, how long does it take for us to receive the prescribed drug? prescribed i.e. the one and only solution to ease the queaziness from enquiring. and drug i.e. dependable / trusted.

my question again (too many questions) .. is it safe to wait for one? or should we start concocting our own pain killers and believe our our instinct. instinct to live. and to recap again as mentioned earlier, to act the on the unfamiliar foreign to our juries and just be true to yourself.

hoho. i may sound like deepak chopra in this entry, but it is true people, we can never mute people from expressing their views. we can never always answer all the questions. and no doubt, we can never always please those around us.

my word of advise .. live and trust your bestfriend. i.e. yourself.

liar

i often think that when one who uses his head does little to the heart. vice versa.

i have been partaking both. at different time.

i did something awful today. at work.

i lied. cause i didn't want anyone to get hurt. but little did we know, we all are.

i used my heart to defend others. but instead i got a skidmark on my head.

my question is, why do we even use our heart in doing something which requires our cognitive skills and much professionalism which is controlled up in our head? ..

i'm sorry boss.

i truly am.


A.