everyday u are obligated to make a choice. to choose between an orange and an apple. to decide whether to wear black or grey. to take federal or duke.
we are born and designed to finalize our next steps - choices, and to own up to it. taking full responsibility of own decision, regardless whether they're stupid or most healf of the time, half-bright, half-baked choices. we had our parents to hold our hands to get tpo the other side of the road. we had our sister dressing us up before we go out to One Utama when we were 10. we had our vigilant brother who oversees our behaviour infront of the relatives. all in all, we were helped cum forcedfully to accept their choices.
the choices that i made to my life has been rather controversial and appaling to certain parties. owning up to it takes half of my day, ontop with the taxing "should i, should i not" time spent.
i drink. i avoid breakfast. i smoke. i dance. i sing. i pray. i puff few mary j. i shop. i switch jobs. i drive recklessly. i dig tennis. i dig paintball more. i havent' been in a relationship for the longest and decide to stay this way. i have secrets.
but so far i am blessed. with all the choices i made, i have my family and friends who support me regardless how ridiculous they are. mum is (halfly) accomodating to my choices. dad is indenial. as for my sister, she accepts my choices as they are. she knows me, better than anyone else in this world. she is my everyday, my good and bad, my friend.
everyday when i pass the muslim cemetery ground in bukit kiara, some of the choices i made back in '95 regret me. the person who is a father to me is lying peacefully in said ground. he was there with me all the time. i regretted for not making the choice to lie next to him when he was sick in ipoh. i regretted for not holding his hands due to grossed out of his thin and frail hands. most of all, i regretted for not saying how much i loved him. not a day goes by, i feel ease when i think of his last days.
everyday, i wanted to tell him how grown-up i've become. setiap hari. if only i get to choose to go go back to the past.
"atok, aref dapat 4a for upsr. atok, aref dah ade lesen. atok, aref accident, baba bising. atok, selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin, halal makan minum aref. atok, mama baba gadoh besar. atok aref fly next week, datang lah mama buat kenduri! atok, aref dah grad, atok, aref dah ade kete. atok, aref dah quit naga. atok, baba dah tahu aref hisap rokok ... atok, khaleeda punya birthday next week, datang k!"
A.
